Feeling Lost

Now what could possibly go wrong if you are living in paradise? I ask myself that question too. I hear someone saying, oh why not make the most of it, enjoy life, the stunning nature and all that jazz. Go to the beach, meet new people, and be happy. Do you think I am not already doing all these things? Okay, I don’t mean to infect my fancy page with some level of inconvenient truth about island living. And I don’t mean to be your grumpy tropical holiday designer, but sometimes, I just gotta say what I have to say. Because it ain’t all sunshine and rainbows around here.

I am supposed to be having the time of my life here in this vacation town but that is far from reality. Beneath the emerald surface is unimaginable darkness. I am actually writing this right now in a not-so-good state of mind. To be honest, some things are just too much to handle on my own. Yet here I am still being strong as if I have much of a choice right now. It’s probably alright not to be okay right? I mean, we are in a literal global pandemic and most of us are in a miserable struggle here.

Why am I here? Well, it’s a long, long story. I’m going to divide it so as not to bore you with a very long post. Let’s put it this way, I am here to live life on my own terms, finally. After a series of life mishaps, homeless days on the road, failed relationships, and unfulfilling 9-5s, I just thought it is time for me to have a say on everything before I get into a total meltdown. And miss all the other good things and bad things this life has to offer. So, I came back to this country after many years of wandering (devoid of privileges) and all that “finding myself” self-obsessed drama. I went straight to this region to fulfill a lifelong dream.

That wasn’t easy of course. Being a city girl, and I am not going to deny this anymore just to make people here feel better, I thought living a simple life is the dream. What can be harder than letting go of mindless consumerism and the go-go-go-get-get-get urban lifestyle right? Little did I know, the jungle can be hostile and unforgiving to those who don’t belong in it. Like there are wild animals, nasty bugs, poisonous plants, and whatnot out there. And if you don’t know what you’re getting into, you are in great danger. I learned this the hard way.

I am talking about the people who are quite hostile to outsiders especially to those who might excel and become better in life – simply because they are good at what they do. You probably know how it is in small towns, where I am is probably the old version of this country. Where tribal mentality and patriarchy still thrive and everything is all about modesty and humility. I had not even thought of these things before I started living here. Oh well, it’s really the harsh experiences that can teach us about life big time. 

I am from this country so if you come to think of it, I am a local, technically. But I didn’t realize that I will be treated with such great hostility more often than not. Like I’ve gone through introspective analysis on a daily basis, is it me the formidable one? Or is it them and their innate insecurities and feelings of inferiority unconsciously bestowed upon them. The past has something to do with it, but they need to stop living in ancient times and quit the ancient behavior to maximize their full potential as human beings. This is probably what the majority of the population should do if we are to aspire to become a developed nation. This seems to be a pipe dream.

I’ve been living here for almost 3 years now. Things were all going well with my startup (after a series of trial and error with local service partners), sales were supposed to go up this year and then boom, pandemic. The literal killer of all dreams. Things come crashing down quickly and the next thing I know, I am unemployed and getting crazy. It could have been worst sure, but I want to tell them that just because I don’t have a dozen kids doesn’t mean I am not suffering. Remember, your suck doesn’t make my suck suck less. 

Don’t always fall for the tourists’ favorite statement “people are nice”. So far I’ve learned that the “nice people” are the meanest. Perhaps they are the reason why good people do bad things. Though I still have high hopes that I will find “my people”. You know, those who can accept me for being Me without feeling insecure. Now don’t get me wrong, this place is unreal. This is the real bright side of the province. Nature is the paradise I am talking about. I’ve seen surreal things, way too beautiful things, and that reason alone is why I carefully promote this region and why I still stay here. All for the dream.

I am not sure how to thrive in a world that wasn’t designed for me. I feel lost not knowing what to do, but I know this is only for now. I have a survival instinct of a feral cat so nothing to worry about, not that you care. But I hope you do.

Every day is a learning experience. Keep breathing.

Your Thoughts?